Paul counts time

It was that time of the year again. It seemed to come round so quickly and the drivers groaned inwardly as they prepared once again to do battle with the online work-quantity assessment tool that Paul had introduced across the board some years ago after he had found a couple of drivers sneaking off early to play darts. The 'Zero Income Ration Calculator' And 'Demonstrator of Inactivity Abolishment' Negotiation toolkit was a hugely unpopular initiative but compulsory so the drivers had no choice but once again to embark on this time-consuming and ultimately futile exercise.

Every moment of every day had to be justified and fought for. Paul's premise was that they all worked a five day week, nine to five, but even he knew that in reality the drivers did much more than that. All the same, each time Paul had reviewed the submitted assessment the final answer always seemed mysteriously to come to a total of 'five days'.

Much as they disliked having to count each minute of each day like this the drivers nonetheless complied with this annual spreadsheet-filling exercise. They would then have a personal interview with Paul during which time he would question each entry with a view to deleting it.

"What's this do you do on a Wednesday afternoon then?" he would query, pointing at the entry in question. "It's not 'driving' so we can probably take that out."

"That's the afternoon I go over to the Driving School to teach, Paul," replied one. "Do you remember we have a contract to provide a set amount of tuition to the students there and in return we get £20 million and the pick of the newly qualified drivers each year?"

"Hmmm," grumbled Paul. "Alright. What about this?" He jabbed a finger at Friday morning.

"That's when I go over to the workshop. We're running this project to research more efficient use of fuel and..."

"Yes, yes, yes," Paul cut him short. "But that's your hobby. We don't pay you to indulge yourself!" And he pressed the delete key. "And what's this 'Extra Duties' part then?"

The driver looked incredulous. "That's time spent on call at nights and weekends for the emergency jobs that come up." he said.

"But you don't physically work all that time!" argued Paul.

"No - that's why it's paid at a different rate," the driver explained, as if to a small child.

Paul's finger hovered over the Delete key again. Then he saw another entry and was instantly distracted. "Ha! Three hours for 'Ongoing Learning"? Explain."

"Well, we are legally supposed to keep up to date with developments in the field," the driver replied.

"Ah, yes..." Paul smirked. "But we've taken care of most of that with our In-House training programme days." And he altered the entry from 3 to 0.5 hours.

And so it went.

One non-core profit making activity after another was questioned and amended in this way until each driver began to feel as though he had been trying to defraud the company by claiming for work that need not be done.

Finally Paul would lean back in his chair with a satisfied grin. "There!" he'd say, looking at the bottom line. "I thought so. A grand total of 'five days'."